4/11/07
I haven’t been here in quite a while. Not for the lack of pain and poop, but for the lack of wanting to complain! I get tired of bitching but this may be the only way I can get my point across. This Chrons/Colitis is debilitating. I would love to be employable again and earn a real living. Have money for food and the electric bill. I don’t need to buy 20 pairs of shoes a year but I’d like to be able to afford going to the doctor!
I was turned down again for Social Security Disability but mind you I am unemployable. Disabled by profuse pooping and pain yet, turned down again. Since my last entry I have known 2 women who are drug addicts that have been given SSD. One has 5 (several different fathers) children who now each also get a check. One of her sons lives with his father in a different state. This child doesn’t need for a thing. The fathers side of the family has trust funds and the boys future is set no matter what he chooses to do…..but the fathers is going to get a check for this boy because the mother is on SSD. UNTILL THE 10 YEAR OLD BOY IS 18! 8 years of money going to a child who doesn’t need it. A life time of support for 2 women who are drug addicts and not changing their habits or lifestyles but zip, zilch, nada for me who paid into the system and would be working if I could but I ask for help and am slapped down and denied!
I can’t get medical care. We have a free clinic but they tell me my problem is chronic and there is nothing they can do…daugh I know that…they even accuse me of taking time away from people there who really need their care. Still, because I DON’T go to the doctor every time I should the SS Judge looks at it as if I am not really in physical distress. WHAT CAN I DO?
The day after my last entry was the hearing for SSD. I didn’t dear eat that morning as I had been crapping for days before and couldn’t take the chance of embarrassment in front of all those strangers… Armed with extra undies, baby wipes and a prayer we left at 8:30 am for the trip to Fayetteville. I hate travel when I am so nauseated but we had to make the 1 hour trip not matter what. We arrived to find that one of the Judges had not shown up for whatever reason and the cases where backed up at least 3 hours. Great. No breakfast, no lunch and easy on any liquids…I feel like puking but at least no pooping at this point. Finally we are called…I am cramping, feel faint and want to puke but 2 hours later I was out from under the GRILL of questions and thought it had gone well. The case worker who was there seems to understand that I was unemployable. Who would hire me if they knew I’d miss at perhaps ½ days a week or even 2 days a month. At 2 days a month would equal in a years time one month of work. Would you hire me if you knew I’d be absent at least 1 month a year? The social worker said I was unemployable…but the Judge didn’t see it that way. Now if I’d run up medical bills I know I can’t pay, that would have been in my favor!
The trip from Fayetteville back home was hell. I needed to eat but could barely sit at the booth while Richard ate (about 4pm) because of the nausea. I was down in bed for about 4 days after that. When I did eat at home the pooping started and it was bathroom to bed and back again for the next few days.
Then the flu hit. I was trying to get well enough to make the trip to St. Joe, Mo. To help Lorna who was dying of intestinal cancer. We laughed saying we at least could keep each other company in the bathroom! I got the flu that was going around town and was slammed down for another 2 weeks. Went to the clinic hoping for an ok to see Lorna but the doctor said give it another week of antibodies to be sure…he changed my antibiotics and I started them…with my bags still packed. I went down again, this time because of the antibiotics. In the warning it said do not take if you have chrons/colitis. The pain was horrible and the constipation seemed endless. Another week and a half lost…and then…I caught the flu again from Richard (in all fairness. I gave it to him in the first place). Mind you when normal folks get the stomach flu with the nausea, diherria, fever and vomiting it’s bad. When I get the flu all those symptoms are backed by a 3 ton wrecking ball it’s hell. I was down again about 3 weeks this time.
Lorna died….I never made it. I think she knew I wouldn’t, she was ok with it….but I am not. We made the trip to St. Joe for the funeral. Nothing could touch the pain of traveling that far in Richards’s bouncy old truck. Not good for nausea either….but NOTHING could keep us from making the trip. We had to be there for Brother Bob and favorite nephew Kelsey. We had to be there to walk through Lorna’s healing garden again. To feel her still in the house. To see her smile through her painting and art work. I miss her so. She fought the illness well.
I spent much of the time there in bed or sitting in her garden. Most folks understood if I slipped off to bed in the middle of the day or turned down a trip to town because so n so wanted to treat the family to supper. Once home…I was down again. Pooping leaves you weak, constipation leaves you weak from pain…needless to say…I was down again. Didn’t feel like sitting here typing. Laying down helps the nausea but this computer is too big for the bedroom. I sleep a lot sometimes. That’s depressing in itself. Looking outside you wish you could enjoy the sunny day at the same time you close the drapes because the sun increases the want to puke. So you lay there in the dark listening to some faraway TV program that is only on to remind you that u r still a part of the human race. There is a world out there and soon, pray God soon, you’ll be back up and right in the middle of it again.
I turned 50 on April 1st. I think I did a good job in hiding the pain and nausea. I didn’t eat much…soo many people here and its embarrassing being in our NOT SOUND PROOF bathroom. Carried 1 glass of wine with me all evening and really had a wonderful time even though I’d preferred to be in bed. By last Tuesday when all the family had gone home I was really wiped out and am just now getting caught up on phone calls and thanks yours.
I’ve been up since 9 this morning. Hurting, just ate (its 1:33pm) because I wanted to clean the bedroom and do dishes first. I knew it would just hurt more once I ate. In that constipation mode now. I am hungry but feel like an over blown balloon ready to burst. Funny how with all the diherria I can’t lose weight! The bingeing when I can eat and the constipation keep me from losing an ounce. Even when I try to lose weight…I can starve for days still I am bloated and not drop a pound. Its toxins, I know. And when I can afford I do internal cleansers….still, I am frustrate and depressed and the ‘system’ SUCKS!
I haven’t been here in quite a while. Not for the lack of pain and poop, but for the lack of wanting to complain! I get tired of bitching but this may be the only way I can get my point across. This Chrons/Colitis is debilitating. I would love to be employable again and earn a real living. Have money for food and the electric bill. I don’t need to buy 20 pairs of shoes a year but I’d like to be able to afford going to the doctor!
I was turned down again for Social Security Disability but mind you I am unemployable. Disabled by profuse pooping and pain yet, turned down again. Since my last entry I have known 2 women who are drug addicts that have been given SSD. One has 5 (several different fathers) children who now each also get a check. One of her sons lives with his father in a different state. This child doesn’t need for a thing. The fathers side of the family has trust funds and the boys future is set no matter what he chooses to do…..but the fathers is going to get a check for this boy because the mother is on SSD. UNTILL THE 10 YEAR OLD BOY IS 18! 8 years of money going to a child who doesn’t need it. A life time of support for 2 women who are drug addicts and not changing their habits or lifestyles but zip, zilch, nada for me who paid into the system and would be working if I could but I ask for help and am slapped down and denied!
I can’t get medical care. We have a free clinic but they tell me my problem is chronic and there is nothing they can do…daugh I know that…they even accuse me of taking time away from people there who really need their care. Still, because I DON’T go to the doctor every time I should the SS Judge looks at it as if I am not really in physical distress. WHAT CAN I DO?
The day after my last entry was the hearing for SSD. I didn’t dear eat that morning as I had been crapping for days before and couldn’t take the chance of embarrassment in front of all those strangers… Armed with extra undies, baby wipes and a prayer we left at 8:30 am for the trip to Fayetteville. I hate travel when I am so nauseated but we had to make the 1 hour trip not matter what. We arrived to find that one of the Judges had not shown up for whatever reason and the cases where backed up at least 3 hours. Great. No breakfast, no lunch and easy on any liquids…I feel like puking but at least no pooping at this point. Finally we are called…I am cramping, feel faint and want to puke but 2 hours later I was out from under the GRILL of questions and thought it had gone well. The case worker who was there seems to understand that I was unemployable. Who would hire me if they knew I’d miss at perhaps ½ days a week or even 2 days a month. At 2 days a month would equal in a years time one month of work. Would you hire me if you knew I’d be absent at least 1 month a year? The social worker said I was unemployable…but the Judge didn’t see it that way. Now if I’d run up medical bills I know I can’t pay, that would have been in my favor!
The trip from Fayetteville back home was hell. I needed to eat but could barely sit at the booth while Richard ate (about 4pm) because of the nausea. I was down in bed for about 4 days after that. When I did eat at home the pooping started and it was bathroom to bed and back again for the next few days.
Then the flu hit. I was trying to get well enough to make the trip to St. Joe, Mo. To help Lorna who was dying of intestinal cancer. We laughed saying we at least could keep each other company in the bathroom! I got the flu that was going around town and was slammed down for another 2 weeks. Went to the clinic hoping for an ok to see Lorna but the doctor said give it another week of antibodies to be sure…he changed my antibiotics and I started them…with my bags still packed. I went down again, this time because of the antibiotics. In the warning it said do not take if you have chrons/colitis. The pain was horrible and the constipation seemed endless. Another week and a half lost…and then…I caught the flu again from Richard (in all fairness. I gave it to him in the first place). Mind you when normal folks get the stomach flu with the nausea, diherria, fever and vomiting it’s bad. When I get the flu all those symptoms are backed by a 3 ton wrecking ball it’s hell. I was down again about 3 weeks this time.
Lorna died….I never made it. I think she knew I wouldn’t, she was ok with it….but I am not. We made the trip to St. Joe for the funeral. Nothing could touch the pain of traveling that far in Richards’s bouncy old truck. Not good for nausea either….but NOTHING could keep us from making the trip. We had to be there for Brother Bob and favorite nephew Kelsey. We had to be there to walk through Lorna’s healing garden again. To feel her still in the house. To see her smile through her painting and art work. I miss her so. She fought the illness well.
I spent much of the time there in bed or sitting in her garden. Most folks understood if I slipped off to bed in the middle of the day or turned down a trip to town because so n so wanted to treat the family to supper. Once home…I was down again. Pooping leaves you weak, constipation leaves you weak from pain…needless to say…I was down again. Didn’t feel like sitting here typing. Laying down helps the nausea but this computer is too big for the bedroom. I sleep a lot sometimes. That’s depressing in itself. Looking outside you wish you could enjoy the sunny day at the same time you close the drapes because the sun increases the want to puke. So you lay there in the dark listening to some faraway TV program that is only on to remind you that u r still a part of the human race. There is a world out there and soon, pray God soon, you’ll be back up and right in the middle of it again.
I turned 50 on April 1st. I think I did a good job in hiding the pain and nausea. I didn’t eat much…soo many people here and its embarrassing being in our NOT SOUND PROOF bathroom. Carried 1 glass of wine with me all evening and really had a wonderful time even though I’d preferred to be in bed. By last Tuesday when all the family had gone home I was really wiped out and am just now getting caught up on phone calls and thanks yours.
I’ve been up since 9 this morning. Hurting, just ate (its 1:33pm) because I wanted to clean the bedroom and do dishes first. I knew it would just hurt more once I ate. In that constipation mode now. I am hungry but feel like an over blown balloon ready to burst. Funny how with all the diherria I can’t lose weight! The bingeing when I can eat and the constipation keep me from losing an ounce. Even when I try to lose weight…I can starve for days still I am bloated and not drop a pound. Its toxins, I know. And when I can afford I do internal cleansers….still, I am frustrate and depressed and the ‘system’ SUCKS!
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