Nausea, but not to the point of needing a pill

March 19, 2009, 10:11 AM
Over slept this morning, had a very hard time going to sleep last night. It happens, a string of nights where you send your mind into all those dream places you’ve made up, trying to start your on dream thus, falling asleep. Deep sleep. The not waking up every 20 minutes because you feel the red light of the alarm clock boring a hole in your head despite the pillow over it, and even though you try not to look into the monsters face…you wait for what is surely and hours before peeking from under the pillow to find the monsters red LD laughing at you, beaming it’s success it shows all, You looked, and it had only been 18 minutes from the last time! Grrrr!
Didn’t expect Dr. Flake to send me over to the hospital for more blood test yesterday but after our visit he did. The next test will be swallowing a camera pill and follow it’s trek through my system.
He is also contacting some gastro specialist friend of his for consultation and wants to discuss my case with his brother who is a pediatrician specialist in gastro system problems. They may want to start a case study on adults with Crohn’s,/IBS/Colitis who in childhood had gastro problems as well.
I love, love, love Dr. Flake. Doctor William Flake of Berryville Arkansas is a gift to all he touches. A surgeon who talks real talk to you. Not over your head though God knows when you look in this mans eye you see knowledge. Knowledge from the hunger of learning and research. I believe he’s in his late 60’s early 70’s and is from a family of physicians. Including his mother and brother. More than a just a good ole boy, country/farmer doctor. You can see the passion in his eyes. He will get to the bottom of what ales you or find someone who can. If I mention his name to others in his profession, they nod and smile. ‘Good man!’ they always say. He understands the pain and nausea and chronic or not, incurable or not, he want to find what will make it easier to live with. As if this were HIS problem. I am blessed to have him.
I loved when he was explaining the procedure of removing my gal bladder. He grinned and giggles telling the story how in med school, they’d practice this surgery on pigs! Easier to get than cadavers and the pigs gal bladder is very similar to ours! Who knew!!
The pork could not be sold for food after that even though it was just fine for eating, so, they did! The interns didn’t starve thanks to the pork chops!!

Not a bad morning so far. A lite wave of nausea earlier but not enough to take anything for it. The doctor (Nurse Practitioner actually) refilled my Tramadol/pain and Promethazine/nausea. Night before last was horrible but last night wasn’t too bad. I am hoping I am on the down side of this nausea episode. Not quite 2 week this time. I am grateful for the end of it.
I have an appointment with the surgeon this afternoon. I think he’ll suggest swallowing a camera pill this time. This seems to be baffling everyone. Only one doctor has said ‘Sounds to me like Crohn's to me!’ but he didn’t write it down in the report! Always people, and I mean ALWAYS get a copy of your medical records after EACH visit! They may have to mail it to you and some even charge per page but you need this. Read it and make sure the are hearing what your saying to them. The way they word your chart makes a difference in how you are treated. TRUST ME!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Doctors appointment today and tomorrow. Hope somebody can do something soon. Not as nauseated when I take the Phennegren but if I don’t keep it up the nausea comes back. The longest it’s lasted in consecutive days is 2 weeks. It’s been a week and 2 days I think now. I am out of the pills gifted to me and sure enough it’s back.
Yesterday I took Jason (elderly fellow I help out in return for gas in the truck) to run errands. He bought breakfast and I thought I was gonna be ok with tea and toast but had to run to the bathroom for what I thought was gonna be a volcanic blast out my a**. Turned out to be a fizzle of a dribble with rumbling and pain. Next stop the bank ½ mile away. Pain and rumbling like you would not believe. Across the street to the grocery store and twice I ran to the ladies room, full on explosions both times. Boy that wears a body out! Last week when I had to drink the pasty stuff for the ‘dye’ test they said ‘drink lots of water because this can set up like cement in your colon’, HA! I drink lots of tea and water anyway so no problem there and the constipation is like a vacation compared to the surprise explosions that keep me on the run.

Willie Nelson, Get Well Soon

HAY WILLIE NELSON, GET WELL! SORRY YOUR DONW AND HAVING TO CANCLE THE PARTY, BUT REST WELL DEAR ONE AND RECOVER SOON

yesterday

Monday, March 16th
Still slow and sluggish. I think the anti-nausea medicine is to blame for most of that. I have things I want to do around the house but getting up the gumption to actually accomplish something is another story.
I am very sad today
My alpha male cat Uno is dying. He’s about 9 years old. When we first moved to the mountain a sweet, shy little gray kitten (we thought) came out of the woods mewing her way into our harts. Just a few weeks before a stray orange tabby managed to sneek into the shop, I awoke from a deep sleep one night to the sound I don’t know what! I rushed out to find the tabby pulling my gray cockatiel (Ms. Kitty) through the cage with Kitty’s mate (Garth Brooks) pecking the pusses paws, ears and clawing for the eyes.
Garth recovered but after 18hours of prayer for her to recover I begged the spirit of my late father to please take her HOME. Within 5 minutes of my prayers releasing her soul, she passed away. It was about a week after that this little gray kitten appeared and so, I named her Miss Kitty in remembrance. 2 weeks after this fat furry little bundle charmed her way into the house, I wake to a strange, not normal purring sound next to the bed. Miss Kitty, had a kitty! Just one. A lovely gray tabby we of course called Uno. The first day Miss. Kitty went outside, after giving birth, she got into a tuff with yet another stray. Her belly stayed round and plump so we were surprised again in a few week when Dose, trace, Quattro, sin co, sase, was born. All the latter were girls. 3 are still with us after finding homes two of them.

Just another day in pukie paradise. The medicane dose help a lot but I still get waves of nausea. Not title waves mind you and for that I am truly thankfull. Feeling very slow and sluggish but even the turtle finishes the race....

A Better Day at Last

A friend had some anti puke pills that are the same as my perscription, so I borrowed a few to get me through. Still nauseaed today but NOTHING like the last week. I may get the whole kitchen cleaned with out haveing to go lay down!

Getting up to date now

Friday, March 13, 2009

And here we go again! Lost the last 3 days to nausea. Now the pharmacy called and said the doc has to see me before I can get my script refilled. The same medicine I’ve been taking for the last 5 years mind you. Only now I have to pay $80.00 for an office visit just to ask for my $20.00 prescription. Add to this the fact that I’ve been trying to update my blog on yahoo and AGAIN lost my post so I am now going to have move my online journal somewhere else. GRRRRRRRRR! I am tired of not being able to complete a project without having to stop and fight back the frickin waves of nausea!
I bend over to wipe a kitchen shelf and feel like I am compressing my belly. Raise up and whap! Nausea title wave hits like a bat smackin the grand slam, game winning run out of the ballpark. Fighting the lump in my throat now writing this. I’ve been in bed 2 days and don’t want to make it a 3rd! I AM TIRED OF THIS!
I can kick myself in the ass each time I feel a pity party coming on. There are so many in the world with afflictions that make my ailments seem like a blessing. What room have I to bitch! Still, dear God, I am tired of it!

1:13 PM
Sinus draining making my throat tickle bringing on coughing and then, dry heaves. Hate this, did I mention?







11, 2009 
Bad wanna puke day!
Nausea hit hard last night. I was ok the first 10 minutes this morning then the waves hit and keep coming. Out of my medicin and no money for refills don't help.
I got the Crohn's moan and groan blues. I know there's a song for this out there. Written by Negative Nausea Ned and his gal pal Dreary Darlene Diarrhea published by Pitiful Painful Paul!
The perfect trio to pen Crohn's national anthem! No need to stand and salute while it's playing. (More like bend over with cramping pain or run to the bathroom, crapping again would be a salute understood!)
God bless us one and all!




March 09, 2009 Boy did I over sleep! Up at 6:30am to pee. Laid back down for a bit and woke up looking at the clock screaming at me, 'It's 10:30 you lazy fool!'. Felt tired but ok until a few minutes ago. Drinking a glass of herbal tea and the nausea hit. Odd, it often happens after my first (try) bowl movement of the day. (Again folks, sorry for the graphic detail. I open this to the public knowing someones out there with the same intestinal trouble, suffering alone. Well, your not alone dear one.) Often it's not long after that potty call, the nausea seems to hit. It's not bad today. Like an annoying lump in my throat but not to the point of taking a pill for it. Gonna stop typing for now so I don't dwell on it and make it worse. Often, if I try to ignore the nausea/pain, I don't notice the severity of it. Sort of 'out of sight out of mind' kinda thing.
T.T.F.N.!
Ta Ta For Now!







evening, March 08, 2009 Woke up about 2:30am Friday with bad nausea and fought it the rest of the night/morning until the test. Couldn't take any med's becuse of the test and was pukeing foam while Richard turned the heater in the bathroom on for me. Takeing a shower was a hassel, trying to fight back the wave of dry heaves but nothing like the drive to the hospital. If you ever get motion sickness, equate this to being on a sail bost in high winds, in a single engine plane on a breezy day AND the feeling of being in a life raft holding oh tight as the walls of waves hit from the sinking Titanic! COMBINED! Then, I am asked to drink a quart of kindergarden paste they think tastes like a pina colada and wait for an hour and 1/2 till the rest of the test.
Came home and tried to sleep it all away.
Saturday and Sunday I had to take care of little Steven. He wasn't feeling up to his full 7 year old super hero capacity himself so it was am easy weekend through what pain there was.





March 05, 2009 I was ok for the most part. No major pain even when I had some crackers and peanut butter for a bit about 2pm. A lite wave of nausea hit but no biggie.
Had rice n green beans with a bit of pork steak. Had to spit out in mid chew when a big wave of nausea hit. That was the end of dinner! didn't puke but I'll go lay down now. Even walking from room to room can be like motion sickness. Happy thoughts about tomorrow and the hospital test. Hate racking up more bills when I am out of work. What choice do I have?


for March 04, 2009 Was ok after about an hour n half of cramping. Finished sweeping/ mopping the floor but have yet to finishe the dishes ( I hate doing silverwear. I don't know why but I HATE it. I can have all the dishes, pots n pan scrubbed and put away, then walk away from all the silverwear that hasn't been touched. Odd, but true) Was going to go in and try the silverwear after listening to the 5:30pm news, and a wave of nausea hit. Not in the mood to even think of cooking dinner now. Another bowl of beans. Poor Richard.

2006/7

Ah the daily potty log. Sorry I didn’t get the first one through spell check. Wasn’t feeling well and didn’t even think of it until I hit the enter button. Yesterday was ruff. Ran errands for and elderly friend .Pooped twice at the store waiting for a key to be made (about a 10 minute time period) then as I pulled out of the lot I had to run across the street to Mc D’s to poop again. Almost didn’t make it and had to leave my dirty undies wrapped in paper towels in the trash can. Frank lives maybe 5 miles from town, I barely made it to his driveway and almost ran over his son running to the bathroom again. I would have pulled off the dirt road and gone in the woods but there was a car all the way behind me.
Last night in bed it felt as if all my guts had liquefied and there was a su na me brewing in my intestine. The tramadol didn’t touch the spasms but took the edge off a bit. Enough for the two bennadryl to let me snooze some. I got up twice with the feeling I’d better hurry to the bathroom with no results when I got there.
Today I WANT to poop…but only pebbles pop out if anything at all. I don’t know which is better/worse. Profuse diherria or no poop at all. Wish I had the perfect S poop like Dr. Oz on the O show says you should have. That hasn’t happened in months. I am looking forward to a few good weeks in a row. My energy level in nil. It’s depressing.


Wish I could poop. Have that too full feeling. Bloated. Butt hurts. I want to clean the kitchen and maybe bake some holiday bread for the neighbors who helped with the grass fire last spring. Back hurts from wanting to poop, I’ll work through it. Hate to be a thug all day. Don’t want to eat but I can feel my sugar level swirling….peanut butter will curb that.


Sunday
December 10, 2006, 9:53 AM

Woke up at 5:30 to rumbling and sat for 15 minutes waiting for the pellet poop to stop. Yesterday day was a good day. No poop and only a few bad spasms every here and there.
I wasn’t feeling like sitting at the computer last week so I wrote down the daily happenings and will transfer them to the computer and blog.

LAST SATURDAY

Rea had emergency surgery and I went to pick up Smoke her Artic Wolf to stay with us. No poop save a few pebbles this morning. Can’t sleep because of tummy gurgling. It feels as if I’ll have the runs any minute. When I get up to go…nothing. Going to be a long night .


LAST SUNDAY

Up at 6:30 and couldn’t dear eat before the trip to see Rea in the VA hospital (about 60 miles away). Glad Therese is driving because I am tired but I like being in control of the wheel incase I need to find a bathroom…NOW. The trip there was fine but I had a bad headache coming on from not eating and felt the nausea starting a bit so I gave in to Therese stopping for lunch. Did fine for the first 30 minutes of walking thru the mall ( I haven’t been in a mall in almost 10 years but had the bathrooms spotted soon after we walked in!) No poop but MAJOR pain on the way home. Took a pill earlier but it didn’t touch it. No poop.

LAST MONDAY

Got a call from an Inn owner this morning. I was highly recommended for a position. To run her cottages this winter while she lives out of town and if I chose to assist her when she is in town. ( I used to have a great working reputation) She is a writer and travels. I said I’d love to then explained my pooping problem. By the time we ended our conversation she thanked me for my honesty but though I may not be able to always be there. Hard to tell a bride ‘hold on just a minute’ while I run to the bathroom for the third time during the ceremony. ( I perform weddings)
I still owe the Art School volunteer hours and it’s envelop stuffing time so didn’t want to eat this morning. If I eat early I take the chance of exploding diarrhea. I don’t want to be running to the bathroom every 4 minutes surrounded by a table of chatty women. If I were alone, not so bad. I made it till from 10 am 3pm when I had to leave. The headache was bad and though way nauseated I had to eat. Serious pain and rumbling all night but no poop.

LAST TUESDAY

Major explosion of poop yanked me out of bed and sent me running this morning. 4 times in about 15 minutes. Then it stopped. Had to finish the Art School (just a few hours) then help Frank with his semi monthly bills ( Retired nurse and Vet who I help out as I can. He understands if I am having a bad day) Major nausea, I couldn’t eat the Sub Sandwich Sabina (from the Art School) bought for me. Had Major pain on the way to Franks. Almost had to pull over a few time till it passed. Worked just a bit at Franks and went home to lay down. This kind of pain wears me out. I feel limp and tired.

LAST WEDNESDAY

Another trip to the VA hospital to pick up Rea. Frank let me use his car for the trip. I had to eat even though yesterday food was not my friend. Was ok. I could handle the discomfort. Then on the way home we had to stop by her Doctors. I took Smoke (she wanted him to come along) for a walk out back and thank God for trees because I HAD to go and there was NO WAY I would have made it back up to the office. So, I pooped in the woods. It’s fall and I found a tree with large leaves, no one was around but I was humiliated.
Got Smoke back in the car and went inside. In less than 2 minutes I had to find the bathroom. Another explosion. I lit the candles they had on the sink and hoped that was the last of it. BUT NO….One the way again I made and excuse of needing to pee so I could stop. I barely made it to the bathroom when a severe bout began. I don’t know how long I was in there but it took a while and when I came out the girls asked if I was ok. I had looked in the mirror and my face was red n sweaty. I tried to freshen up before I went out of the bathroom but I guess it didn’t help much. Rea handed me $20 for gas giving me the excuse to stop one more time. I was ok for a while then had one more explosion at Therese house. (She lives down the drive way form Rea and wanted me to stop in and give her and up date on her condition).

Sunday 12/10
More later. It’s after 6pm. Just had a small bowl of pasta and Italian dressing. Hurting a bit again so I am going to call it quits and lay down to read in hopes it won’t get worse. After a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast I started hurting so bad I couldn’t go with Richard to a Holiday open house we had planned on attending. I hate always missing things. Especially when we have plans together. With all he does for me company is the least I can give him. He was really disappointed but understood. He knows when I am hurting even if I try not to let him.

2007

December 11, 2006, 12:39 PM
Fixed Richard breakfast and had a bite my self (2 small pancakes for me). I started hurting before I had my dish to the kitchen sink. spasms off and on with a little pebble poop. Then major pain/spasms. Been two hours now and I just had a large painful bowel movement. It wasn’t hard, rather soft, not like the pebbles. I haven’t had a spasm for the last 15 minutes since then but I feel wiped out.







Last wee was a blur of constipation and pain. I hate sitting down and writing this everyday. Why dwell on things we can’t change sort of feeling. Yet I want it documented. I want people to understand what it’s like to live like this. Hope that doesn’t sound whiney. I am not a whiney, poor me kind of person.
Took a friends 5 year old with me to Wal-Mart. We had eaten about an hour before. I had to race to the bathroom 3 times in the 20 minutes we were there. Little Stevens was. ‘Gosh Deb, if you have to go that much you need to learn to go to the boys bathroom’ (he is just at the age where he isn’t happy going to the ladies room but I am not about to leave him alone so he puts up with me). We were going to go to the park but I was feeling bad so we went back to his fathers house to watch a video. I felt like I had to have a bowl moment but couldn’t. A boulder here and there and colon spasms like you would not believe. Like sever labor pains in your intestines.
I went to the free clinic Thursday evening. It’s a long three hour plus process but it’s all I have. The Doc gave me antibiotics for the lymph node swelling in my throat. I woke up and looked like I had 2 extra chins for 3 days. Swelling is down a bit but the meds make me constipated so I am flooding my self with water and fiber. I feel bloated now but had an almost normal poop yesterday. Then woke up at 4:30 am with ‘got to go now’ pain and had a bit of a movement . Quite colon since then save a few cramps this afternoon.
The Doctor told me again there’s is not much they can do for Crones/Colitis. He gave me a script for another type of pain reliever but I don’t have the money yet to get it filled. And Potassium pills too. I can get that over the counter.


Laying down sometimes is all that seems to work some days. When I lay down the nausea isn’t as bad and the pain eases a bit.
Still swollen in the throat today but it’s my butt that hurts the worse. Stabbing pains like every hemorrhoid every seen is trying to come through.. Have been nauseated most of the week and had several poop explosions after a lot of painful boulder/pebble days. Felt like I was going to faint a few time while sitting on the stool. Sometimes after an explosion I break out into a cold sweat and feel weak and faintish. I hate that. I hate all of this. I have 2 friends dying of Cancer, I have no right to really complain. This won’t go away really but, I am alive. I know I will hug my grandchildren again.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006
No poop for the last few days. Thankfully not much pain. I made it through the holidays without letting the nausea spoil it. LOTS of pain this morning when it took 20 minutes on the stool for a pound of pebble poop to pop out. That was at 7am this morning. It’s 9:30 now and I am recovering from a horrible 15 minutes of pain then explosive diarrhea. I feel wiped out. Hope this isn’t a prelude for the day.

2007

Hadn't had a movement since the last time I was here until yesterday. The meds for my sunis infection has stopped me up even more than my normal pebbles. The free clinic started me on another round of anti-biotics…the 3rd in 6 months! They DON"T relive the inflammation in my bowls and haven't made much of a change in my lymph nodes either! I Didn’t bother to read the paper that came the the pills given me last Thursday at the free clinic. I stopped taking them yesterday when I read IF YOU HAVE COLITIS DON’T TAKE CIPROFLOXACIN!!!
I truly appreciate the folks at the free clinic and all they give/do for folks but the Doctors rotate and volunteer. They don’t have time to review the persons chart and really THINK about what may help/happen or why they’ve been in before. AAfter waiting for 3to4 hours to see them I forget to remind whoever sees me what my ailments and allergies are. They area understandably in a hurry as they are set up to see about 30 people and they often see twice that. Dr Bell who runs the clinic as much told me I was wasting his time. My condition is chronic and there’s not much known that will change it.” I have other people to see that are sick, what do you what me to do for you?” He said. I did have swollen neck lymph nodes at the time, something that happens a lot really. I puff up and look likes a chipmunk. He said I have an infection and gave me anti-biotic (that was the second round). I still 2 days after I stopped that round I came down with the sinus cold/infection that has lasted 2 weeks and I passed on to Richard. I’ve been sleeping on the couch so as not to get it back until he is over it. He NEVER gets sick and this has him wiped out. No diherria or constipation for him…that’s my special little treat.
Yesterday morning I sat on the toilet foe 24 minutes in pain trying to free my colon of the crap that has solidified in my intestines for the last week or more. Pain but finally 3 tiny pebbles then a (small) boulder. I broke out in a cold sweat and had to go lay down but it was a triumph!
More prune juice and fiber. I live on prune juice and fiber these days but the results are better than exlax. With that type of stool softener reacts triple and I have to stay away from them. Just like the anti dirreals. If I take them unsteady of just stopping the diarrhea I am blocked for weeks. No thank you, NOT worth It.
Explained to Richard how we’d have to reach in and relieve impacted bowls for an elderly patient I had in the ‘80s when I was nursing. He wasn’t up for the tack needless to say. But we had a chuckle. And he did the happy dance this morning when the 3rd jar of prune juice started to work and about a dozen medium pebbles plopped in the potty without too much pain. Nothing like yesterday.
My back pain is easing and though I am nauseated I am looking forward to more trips to the bathroom this afternoon…at least it feeling like something is moving in there again.
Funny, I eatither pray I never see have to leave a pair of undies in the ladies room again, or I am praying for poop! Glad God isn’t easy to confuse.

April 2007

4/11/07
I haven’t been here in quite a while. Not for the lack of pain and poop, but for the lack of wanting to complain! I get tired of bitching but this may be the only way I can get my point across. This Chrons/Colitis is debilitating. I would love to be employable again and earn a real living. Have money for food and the electric bill. I don’t need to buy 20 pairs of shoes a year but I’d like to be able to afford going to the doctor!
I was turned down again for Social Security Disability but mind you I am unemployable. Disabled by profuse pooping and pain yet, turned down again. Since my last entry I have known 2 women who are drug addicts that have been given SSD. One has 5 (several different fathers) children who now each also get a check. One of her sons lives with his father in a different state. This child doesn’t need for a thing. The fathers side of the family has trust funds and the boys future is set no matter what he chooses to do…..but the fathers is going to get a check for this boy because the mother is on SSD. UNTILL THE 10 YEAR OLD BOY IS 18! 8 years of money going to a child who doesn’t need it. A life time of support for 2 women who are drug addicts and not changing their habits or lifestyles but zip, zilch, nada for me who paid into the system and would be working if I could but I ask for help and am slapped down and denied!
I can’t get medical care. We have a free clinic but they tell me my problem is chronic and there is nothing they can do…daugh I know that…they even accuse me of taking time away from people there who really need their care. Still, because I DON’T go to the doctor every time I should the SS Judge looks at it as if I am not really in physical distress. WHAT CAN I DO?
The day after my last entry was the hearing for SSD. I didn’t dear eat that morning as I had been crapping for days before and couldn’t take the chance of embarrassment in front of all those strangers… Armed with extra undies, baby wipes and a prayer we left at 8:30 am for the trip to Fayetteville. I hate travel when I am so nauseated but we had to make the 1 hour trip not matter what. We arrived to find that one of the Judges had not shown up for whatever reason and the cases where backed up at least 3 hours. Great. No breakfast, no lunch and easy on any liquids…I feel like puking but at least no pooping at this point. Finally we are called…I am cramping, feel faint and want to puke but 2 hours later I was out from under the GRILL of questions and thought it had gone well. The case worker who was there seems to understand that I was unemployable. Who would hire me if they knew I’d miss at perhaps ½ days a week or even 2 days a month. At 2 days a month would equal in a years time one month of work. Would you hire me if you knew I’d be absent at least 1 month a year? The social worker said I was unemployable…but the Judge didn’t see it that way. Now if I’d run up medical bills I know I can’t pay, that would have been in my favor!
The trip from Fayetteville back home was hell. I needed to eat but could barely sit at the booth while Richard ate (about 4pm) because of the nausea. I was down in bed for about 4 days after that. When I did eat at home the pooping started and it was bathroom to bed and back again for the next few days.
Then the flu hit. I was trying to get well enough to make the trip to St. Joe, Mo. To help Lorna who was dying of intestinal cancer. We laughed saying we at least could keep each other company in the bathroom! I got the flu that was going around town and was slammed down for another 2 weeks. Went to the clinic hoping for an ok to see Lorna but the doctor said give it another week of antibodies to be sure…he changed my antibiotics and I started them…with my bags still packed. I went down again, this time because of the antibiotics. In the warning it said do not take if you have chrons/colitis. The pain was horrible and the constipation seemed endless. Another week and a half lost…and then…I caught the flu again from Richard (in all fairness. I gave it to him in the first place). Mind you when normal folks get the stomach flu with the nausea, diherria, fever and vomiting it’s bad. When I get the flu all those symptoms are backed by a 3 ton wrecking ball it’s hell. I was down again about 3 weeks this time.
Lorna died….I never made it. I think she knew I wouldn’t, she was ok with it….but I am not. We made the trip to St. Joe for the funeral. Nothing could touch the pain of traveling that far in Richards’s bouncy old truck. Not good for nausea either….but NOTHING could keep us from making the trip. We had to be there for Brother Bob and favorite nephew Kelsey. We had to be there to walk through Lorna’s healing garden again. To feel her still in the house. To see her smile through her painting and art work. I miss her so. She fought the illness well.
I spent much of the time there in bed or sitting in her garden. Most folks understood if I slipped off to bed in the middle of the day or turned down a trip to town because so n so wanted to treat the family to supper. Once home…I was down again. Pooping leaves you weak, constipation leaves you weak from pain…needless to say…I was down again. Didn’t feel like sitting here typing. Laying down helps the nausea but this computer is too big for the bedroom. I sleep a lot sometimes. That’s depressing in itself. Looking outside you wish you could enjoy the sunny day at the same time you close the drapes because the sun increases the want to puke. So you lay there in the dark listening to some faraway TV program that is only on to remind you that u r still a part of the human race. There is a world out there and soon, pray God soon, you’ll be back up and right in the middle of it again.
I turned 50 on April 1st. I think I did a good job in hiding the pain and nausea. I didn’t eat much…soo many people here and its embarrassing being in our NOT SOUND PROOF bathroom. Carried 1 glass of wine with me all evening and really had a wonderful time even though I’d preferred to be in bed. By last Tuesday when all the family had gone home I was really wiped out and am just now getting caught up on phone calls and thanks yours.
I’ve been up since 9 this morning. Hurting, just ate (its 1:33pm) because I wanted to clean the bedroom and do dishes first. I knew it would just hurt more once I ate. In that constipation mode now. I am hungry but feel like an over blown balloon ready to burst. Funny how with all the diherria I can’t lose weight! The bingeing when I can eat and the constipation keep me from losing an ounce. Even when I try to lose weight…I can starve for days still I am bloated and not drop a pound. Its toxins, I know. And when I can afford I do internal cleansers….still, I am frustrate and depressed and the ‘system’ SUCKS!

another day 2008

I had about 4 slices of melba toast for dinner Friday night. Nauseated and hurting. Had to meet a friend for lunch as she had left her cell phone charger here last weekend and was driving over an hour to meet me part way. Thought I was safe ordering the special as I could eat the veggies and take the ck fried steak home to Richard to eat. Before I had the second bite of green beans in my mouth I had a pain like the last stages of labor pains…..w/no epidural! The look on Pegs face meant it showed on my face. As it continued I tried to do a better job of hiding it. Peg couldn’t eat the bad fish she ordered to changed to a not any better BLT. Buy the time lunch was done and we went ½ mile down the road to the nursery for Pegs spring garden wish list I was not only in pain but felt the shit ready to shoot out my ass. Panic hit when I found out the nursery had no restrooms, even the employees had to go across the highway to the gas station. Oh God, Oh God! All I could do was start praying that I made it back to tell Peg in time and that we got to her car in time and then PLEASE let me make it running through the stations continent store and DEAR GOD DON’T LET ANYBODY BE IN MY WAY! And….EXPLOSION!
I had to stay there a few minutes and felt like a limp noodle when I could finally walk out.
I had to go home after that and lay down. Little Steven had been insisting it was time to spend the night and his mom was going out of town . I was so wiped out that Richard went to pick up the boy. We watched various children videos the next few days and napped on the couch. He had a bit of a sinus cold so thank goodness he wasn’t real active. I ate bananas and granola bars and Steven learn quick to keep the little cars out of my path to the bathroom.
Was afraid to eat anything this morning because I had errands to run for Frank who lets me use his spare car. Got spacey and had to eat about 1pm regardless of only being ½ way through……had a few bits of chicken brest and it hit again. Hard pain and got to go NOW! I stopped 3 times in a 10 mile trip to poop. I KNOW WHERE ALL THE LOCAL PUBLIC RESTROOMS ARE.
When I limped into Franks house I had to go again. I am at home resting…and hurting….hoping I won’t have to wipe my sore ass again today. I need chap stick for my butt.

more from 2008 journal

Felt like a rumbling volcano most of the night. Today my insides felt like a lava lamp with bubbles of weird who knows what running through all my intestines. Upper and lower , front and back, all around severe discomfort to out right pain. Took me over and hour to do 15 minutes worth of dishes. I kept having to sit down and get my breath back after bouts of sharp hard pain. 10 minutes after ½ a cheese sandwich I felt I had to eat or faint I had more pain and had to run to the bathroom where I broke out in to a cold sweat as my butt exploded. I sat almost 10 minutes there getting my strength back. Once I left I was back again twice in the next 30 minutes.
I feel so weak and tired. Had a bite of tuna tonight but it’s 8:30 and I am going to go to bed. Hopeing to sleep better than last night.

2008
Just had ½ cheese sandwich for breakfast/lunch. Didn’t take long for the rumbling to begin. Didn’t have any pain yesterday until dinner when I had a small pork chop and herb potatoes. 10 minutes after I finished I was trying to dishes when Richard had to take over and I went to bed. Big nausea hit and pain just after that…the pain subsided after and hour or so but the nausea stayed all night. It’s a bitch to have to lay down when it’s still light outside. The whole night was wasted laying there waiting to feel better.
I was fine Sunday when I went to help with little Steven. I didn’t eat until about 1:30 when he was hungry for lunch. After ½ tuna sandwich I was in so much pain it took me 20 minutes of sitting in Stevens play house (we were having a picnic outside) before I could get up and walk into the house. I got Steven to lay down with me (he watched a DVD) and about another 20 minutes later I was running to the bathroom. 10 minutes of almost fainting while sitting on the stool I was better but wiped out. I had to go home and lay down. I had no energy for anything else.
Note, when not mention as part of my wellness routine I take a glass of prune juice most everyday. I avoid all fatty foods, we don’t fry much here. And I only use ‘good oils’ like canola or olive oil. Coconut Oil is wonderful and a friend make a gift of a jar of it once a year or so. Not in the budget for me at this time but it is good and better for you if oil/grease is called for. Fiber supplements are a must. I use whatever I can afford at the time. There are some that are much better that others but the cost is a big factor.

Will cut and paste from my pc journal to get things caught up.

From 2008
It’s been an hour since ‘lunch’ and I’ve run to the bathroom 3 time now. We are almost out of toilet paper but thank God Stevens dad bought an extra bag of butt wipes for me. I hate not having money for medicine, food, TOILET PAPER. If I could work all would be good again. I HAD medical insurance. Getting fired because of missing work due to my illness, losing my health insurance and income has turned my world upside down! I HATE being dependent on others. I made more money than Richard and he was always ok with that and my independence. How long can he love an albatross? Now I COST HIM money and have no way to repay. Yes he loves me but we are not married. I am not his responsibility. I can’t even by the paper I need to wipe my own ass! And they want to know if I am depressed. HA!