Monday, September 1, 2008

Never piss off a Doctor when you live in a small town.

So much has happened since my last post. I just now feeling like sitting at the computer (on a pillow) and the colanoscopy I had was almost 3 weeks ago! If I had met Catie Couric the day after the procedure I would have smacked her. WHO EVER SAID IT DOESN'T HURT JUST LIED! For 4/5 days after the pain and discomfort was terrible. It felt like someone was bowling through my upper and lower intestines. I could do nothing but lay down and try to sleep it away. They took biopsies of a few unusual looking growths and thank GOD I don't have Cancer but they are no closer to knowing WHY I have such horrible pain with constant diarrhea and nausea.
I have been seeing my small town Doctors since moving to the area in the early 90's. I have had colitis since I was a child. Though I was often bothered by it, the Colitis never effected my life until after my gallbladder surgery. Since then (about 5 years ago) I have used more toilet paper, soap and hand sanitizer than I have in all my previous 50+ years! I have also had petti-mal seizures since I was about 4 years old. Last year I had a spider bite that made me really sick. I went to our local clinic for antibiotics and had a seizure while in the exam room. The attending nurse was very concerned and recognized it as a seizure but the Nurse Practitioner (who is a condescending prick towards women) charted it as a 'light headed spell'. After vomiting green bile for 15 minutes and laying on the exam table for over 30/40 minutes trying to get my brain back in control. Again, this wasn't charted. When he came in and out to check on my progress kept patting me (pounding me) on the head while talking to my boyfriend, as if I were a puppy or child. My Richard and the attending nurse could tell the head patting/pounding was uncomfortable and irritating me I finally got the strength to smack his had away the next time he came in and started up again. He pulled his hand away and said "Well, aren't we cranky! I'll come back when she's in a better mood!" turned and left! The attending wanted me to go to the emergency ward but I begged Richard please just take me home. We don't have insurance and I have been out of work due to the colitis. This doctors visit was being paid for from Richards pocket coming out of his land payment.No way I was going to run up a hospital bill for what I know was a seizure and not one the hospital cold do anything about. Now, more than a year later I ask for a copy of all my medical record for a Social Security Disability claim. Thats when I found out the jerk hadn't charted my spider bite visit correctly not to mention all the previous years of charting was condescending and often didn't even mention the reason I was in the office to begin with.
We have a local chat room and Richard posted a question regarding the NP, asking if anyone had any comments about him and his medical ability or bedside manor. We had emails, phone calls and folks stopping us in the street to tell their horror story in connection with this NP. I called and complained to the office manager and told her I was also filing a complaint to the State Board of Nursing against this NP.....again folks we live in a very small town.
The next time I go to the medical clinic I was in the waiting room when they made an announcement that one of the Doctors was running at least an hour or more late. The 6/7 patients waiting could either see the NP from hell or set another appointment. One woman said she'd wait 3 hours if she had to but she wouldn't see the NP. 'No damn way!'...everyone else made a new appointment and left!! When I got back into the exam room to see a different Nurse Partitioner whom I'd had a good relationship with and trusted, I was shocked and disappointed when I was treated like I had just slaughtered a litter of kittens or something! No hug, our usual greeting but instead I was given the cold shoulder and a few shrugs regarding my medical complaints and although she suggested my getting the colanoscopy she didn't set up any appointment for me, I had to call the surgeon myself. I was a bit puzzled at her reaction to me but it wasn't until last week when I went in after having bloody foamy loose stools all day/evening Sunday. That it went beyond a cold shoulder experience and I realized they really don't want me back at the one and only medical clinic in our area. I explained the bleeding to the attending nurse who was quite concerned and said " I know she (the NP) will want to do these test." Blood, stool, etc... and set out what the NP would be needing, handed me a gown to change and left. I heard the NP take my chart out of the slot on the door, she groaned before she came in the door and promptly said when she saw the exam and testing material set out before her "I am NOT going to do any of these test, you can get dressed"...indifferent to the puzzled look on my face. I asked her to read the results of my Colanoscopy,she did. I asked her why I had bleeding, she said it happens, I asked her what about the pain, she said all she would do is give me a script for sapausatories. Mind you I never ask for pain med's. I don't like taking to many pills and am not at all a pill freak. She knows this. I am really worried about the blood and pain...she said to talk to the surgeon and there was nothing more she could do for me. I got the hint this time and I won't be back to the clinic but this means I have to drive over and hour one way to try to find a new doctor. Did I mention I don't have a car????? I have one I can borrow most times when needed but still, an hour 1 way! God help me if I bleed to death on the way.
I was nauseated all day day today. No bloody stools and thats a blessing but I do wish the pain would ease up a bit. I get so tired of hurting.Tired of pooping. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.......

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Rain, Rain go away

I love the rain but I do pray the floods reseed for the folks along the Mo. River

Sunday, June 15, 2008

lap top pooped out but life brings other gifts

My lap top worked all for 2 days but a friend is looking at it for me. I only paid $100.00 for it but I saved for that just to take it to Tulsa to help with mothers paper work, avoiding the need of hiring an accountant. The Tulsa trip was horrible and wonderful at the same time.
The day I arrived home I got a call from a friend I haven't seen in about 25 years. He was close (as he lives in Washington, D.C.) and will drive through town if I have time to meet for lunch.. Not only that but his dear cousin Sophie and friend Petra from Germany will be with him and finally I get to met the love of his life ( he loved deeply when I knew him in the 80's, and his lovers death I believed changed him and I know hurt him as deeply as he loved).
I am so happy to see him with love in his eyes again. We have both aged, but I knew him as soon as I saw him standing in the parking lot. Funny how he thought I'd looked the same (I had just cut my hair for the first time in almost 20 years. He knew me with short hair,I'd forgotten I'd had!) And though a car accident has taken some of my memories it felt like long lost family had come home at last.
He met the man of my life and I met his. I normally hate having folks in my every primitive house, especially when I haven't been here to clean it in months, but I begged them to take time to stop in (it was on their way!) and was proud to show them my humble home. I pray they all come again as often as possible.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Got to look at the bright side!

I am supposed to go to town and clean a friends vacant rental unit so her soon to be x husband can move in yet I woke up to a flat tire and whacked thing a ma jig (not starter but part that keeps the battery charged up) so, I HAVE A DAY OFF!!! Hooray for me!!! Just lowered our phone bill (If the AT&T guy didn't lie to me) and will get caught up on emails, yard and house work. Ok, maybe not caught up but at least make a dent in all the above. We are out $100.00 for the car part but at least it's something Richard can do himself and we don't have to drag it to town. I hear him now taking the tire off to patch yet again. At least I'd made the money for the part by helping work the Art Walk Festival last weekend.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Posting here and there.

I write as I can find the time to sit, think and type. Off and on during the day, night I will come to the computer and jot down a line or two. Blog a line or so. Up and down doing this and that. Trying to get caught up on house keeping ( I hate doing dishes) blaze through the pile of cloths to be put away and suck up the spiders webbing all about. Dust? I've got plenty and if you don't move the million nic nacks about on the shelves you won't see the layers of it that lay through out.
I multi task. At least thats what I call it, going from room to room with 1/2 finished jobs in each one. Finding this to do and that must be done all about me. My head is too tired to truly focus and the day is just begun. I have yet to do the weekly shopping for a retired friend I help care for. Having to leaving the house for part of the afternoon doesn't make me feel like I have a day off.
I can't work full time due to chronic colon trouble, so I take odd jobs as I can. I have not being able to contribute like I could before and that add to my dismay. I hate being dependent on anyone else. I have always pulled my own weight and usefully carried a soul or two with me along the way. Now with little income and no health insurance my ego is NOT and my self worth is often at question.
I am so not the pity me, whinny type person that can drain the sunshine with a sigh. Ask my friend, they think I am obsessively sweet and cheery. Forever looking on the bright side, finding the good in whatever happens. Tomorrows a new day kinda gal, that's who they'd say I am. But that is so not how I feel.

Sleepless on the mountain

I hate it when I can't turn my brain off at night. I can be tired, worn out and want to sleep, yet can not. Even if I go to my 'safe dreams' place. Where I start out thinking of what I want to dream. Putting myself there. Before I fall asleep and wind up in nightmare dreamland instead. (A trick I taught myself as a child to help get bad images, memories out of my head.) It doesn't always help when it comes to getting me into rem sleep but at least I can control my dream thoughts per say, and drown out the massive mess of life's confusion that rattles ceaseless through my brain. Endless conversations of what has happened or could have happened or should have happened or what will happen next. What did I say, what should I have said, why in God's name did I say that! and What will I say if they say that thoughts, running a never ending marathon race in my mind.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Lets begin

My mother is bi-polar schizophrenic. Undiagnosed until she was in her mid fifties, I in my thirties, this blog is create to allow me to express my impressions of my life. Who I am. What shaped who I’ve become and the paths I’ve chosen.
I pray this to be cathartic for my soul.
I am a woman, daughter, sister, life partner and mother. I am blessed with a wealth of those that call me friend, though I haven’t always chosen my friends wisely.

Flocks of love to ya!