Dotors appointment Thursday morning. No poop but had bad bouts of pain off and on after he finished poking around. He noted again this is NOT glutin intolrance, not food related at all but a reaction to my intestianl system because of a nuroligacal disorder caused by a lifetime of severe stress. Humm, so, living with a bi-polar psycisophrinic, madly reglious mother and a manic depressevie brother, distant acholic father not to mention all the disfuntional and abusive step parents set me up for a tsunami like colan. Holding on with nerves of steel and not cracking even throug all my bad choices as an adult, ducking and rolling through each personal war with people or myself had only worn out the 'sponge' we are all born with that like a scock absorber keep you from freeking out when something goes worng. Keeps you even and calm in a crowd. Makes you able to choses simple things like what chore to do first, or 'do I want to go to town today?'. Dread instead of joy when a friend calls. Not that you don't care but that you don't WANT to care so much because their bad day sob story but something that you should be able to fix with the right words or actions...DON'T FAIL NOW! DON'T LET THEM DOWN! Just don't bother to call is easier...save the guilt for not calling. Thank God AGAIN for caller ID (I was outside or had the phone off, laying down when you called). Saying 'I'll call you when I can/have time to talk means I'll call you when I FEEL I CAN TALK.
Richard wanted to go to the antique car show today. We mark the anniversary of our 1st date by the festival each year. I am wiped out. The thought of walking through town being bubbly Debbie. Smiling and being interested in all I was just too much to even think about. I've promised dinner at our old favorite restaurant this week to celebrate. I know I'll have a few glasses of wine not just to celebrate but to 'get throw it' without a ''fog attack''.
Yesterday I was with my new widowed friend setting up the birthday/memorial party for her beloved Rich. Had to go to the car twice to fan away the fog. Even though I knew many of the people there, having to converse and smile and be funny and kind...geeze the pressure!
Today I feel wiped out. Had a roll for breakfast and 10 minutes of pain. Woke up to and 'open butt faucet' and breakfast ran through like a creek flowing down hill after a hard rain. Fast Waters.