Got to look at the bright side!

I am supposed to go to town and clean a friends vacant rental unit so her soon to be x husband can move in yet I woke up to a flat tire and whacked thing a ma jig (not starter but part that keeps the battery charged up) so, I HAVE A DAY OFF!!! Hooray for me!!! Just lowered our phone bill (If the AT&T guy didn't lie to me) and will get caught up on emails, yard and house work. Ok, maybe not caught up but at least make a dent in all the above. We are out $100.00 for the car part but at least it's something Richard can do himself and we don't have to drag it to town. I hear him now taking the tire off to patch yet again. At least I'd made the money for the part by helping work the Art Walk Festival last weekend.

Posting here and there.

I write as I can find the time to sit, think and type. Off and on during the day, night I will come to the computer and jot down a line or two. Blog a line or so. Up and down doing this and that. Trying to get caught up on house keeping ( I hate doing dishes) blaze through the pile of cloths to be put away and suck up the spiders webbing all about. Dust? I've got plenty and if you don't move the million nic nacks about on the shelves you won't see the layers of it that lay through out.
I multi task. At least thats what I call it, going from room to room with 1/2 finished jobs in each one. Finding this to do and that must be done all about me. My head is too tired to truly focus and the day is just begun. I have yet to do the weekly shopping for a retired friend I help care for. Having to leaving the house for part of the afternoon doesn't make me feel like I have a day off.
I can't work full time due to chronic colon trouble, so I take odd jobs as I can. I have not being able to contribute like I could before and that add to my dismay. I hate being dependent on anyone else. I have always pulled my own weight and usefully carried a soul or two with me along the way. Now with little income and no health insurance my ego is NOT and my self worth is often at question.
I am so not the pity me, whinny type person that can drain the sunshine with a sigh. Ask my friend, they think I am obsessively sweet and cheery. Forever looking on the bright side, finding the good in whatever happens. Tomorrows a new day kinda gal, that's who they'd say I am. But that is so not how I feel.

Sleepless on the mountain

I hate it when I can't turn my brain off at night. I can be tired, worn out and want to sleep, yet can not. Even if I go to my 'safe dreams' place. Where I start out thinking of what I want to dream. Putting myself there. Before I fall asleep and wind up in nightmare dreamland instead. (A trick I taught myself as a child to help get bad images, memories out of my head.) It doesn't always help when it comes to getting me into rem sleep but at least I can control my dream thoughts per say, and drown out the massive mess of life's confusion that rattles ceaseless through my brain. Endless conversations of what has happened or could have happened or should have happened or what will happen next. What did I say, what should I have said, why in God's name did I say that! and What will I say if they say that thoughts, running a never ending marathon race in my mind.

Lets begin

My mother is bi-polar schizophrenic. Undiagnosed until she was in her mid fifties, I in my thirties, this blog is create to allow me to express my impressions of my life. Who I am. What shaped who I’ve become and the paths I’ve chosen.
I pray this to be cathartic for my soul.
I am a woman, daughter, sister, life partner and mother. I am blessed with a wealth of those that call me friend, though I haven’t always chosen my friends wisely.